“Committed Suicide” vs “Died by Suicide”

It's been just over 11 weeks since suicide almost claimed my life. I used to use the term "commit suicide" but have since changed my viewpoint and am attempting to change the language around suicide. To say one has committed suicide makes it sound like they made a selfish choice. Suicide isn't a choice. Some …

I. AM. WORTH. IT.

On Thanksgiving evening, after an enjoyable evening home with my kitties and receiving a Thanksgiving meal from a friend, I tanked. It's all a blur to me now but I was not doing well and I didn't care about anything anymore. I went to my medicine cabinet and grabbed my Effexor and then grabbed a partial …

Self Awareness/Analysis

I planned on writing about life after the psych unit today but a conversation with a friend led me to need to share some things I have realized and put some of this in perspective to my readers. I know who some of you are but don't know many others who have "liked" my blog …

My Second Visit to the Sixth Floor – part five

When we last left off in part four I was feeling more hopeful than I had in a long time. I had realized I needed to just surrender and let God just hold me... that it was OK to be broken and hurting... I didn't need to keep holding on, I didn't need to be …

My Second Visit to the Sixth Floor – part four

Part three ended with some questions: Was it possible that things were finally starting to look up? Was there a ray of hope shining through the dark clouds? Would things finally start to turn around?  Part four begins with some answers. I was finally starting to feel the prayers of those who had told me over and …

My Second Visit to the Sixth Floor – part three

I had a lot of trouble sleeping while I was in the hospital.  I know it was partly due to my normal sleep schedule being sleeping during the day and being awake at night. However I knew that wasn't all of it. Oh for the number of times I have begged God to install an …

My Second Visit to the Sixth Floor – part two

My second day in the hospital was not showing a whole lot of promise. I sat in the "day room" and pondered life. I wondered if I would every find any hope. I wondered if the will to live would ever come back to me. I didn't know how I would survive this... if I would even …

My Second Visit to the Sixth Floor – part one

My last post was titled, "My Week on the Sixth Floor - part 3, finale." Apparently I spoke too soon. A lesson in dealing with chronic mental illness... there is no finale. This is likely something I will deal with for the rest of my life. For years I prayed that God would heal me of …

Restless

I have lived in my current home for just over six years. It's the longest I've lived in one place since I moved back to Iowa in 1995. I've been feeling restless lately. I keep thinking how nice it would be to move somewhere, anywhere, and just create a different life. I would love to …

Acceptance

I have come to a point in my life where I am accepting my mental illness, embracing it even. That's probably not "healthy" but it is my reality today. It's not just my mental illness, it's my life. I hate it and don't see any potential in it ever improving. My whole life feels like …