Part three ended with some questions: Was it possible that things were finally starting to look up? Was there a ray of hope shining through the dark clouds? Would things finally start to turn around?
Part four begins with some answers. I was finally starting to feel the prayers of those who had told me over and over how they were praying for me. There was a glimmer of hope through all of the darkness that had surrounded me. However, even in the midst of the hint of hope, the overwhelming desire to kill myself was still there. I was learning coping skills and working on a crisis plan to help me to fight off that desire to die but the propensity to die was still underlying everything.
I was listening to the radio and the song Blessings by Laura Story came on. I closed my eyes and listened to the lyrics:
‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
I couldn’t help but feel that as I listened to this, what had long been one of my favorite songs, as I focused on “distracting” and “self-soothing” and working on my crisis plan I was really just feeding myself lies and covering up the brokenness and emptiness that is the reality of who I am. I wondered if all the “skills” I was learning were just more ways of “faking it until I make it” which is what I had felt I was doing for so long. I was tired of faking it. I was tired of pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I was tired of fighting. I was tired of pretending the brokenness and emptiness I felt deep within me were not real. I just wanted to be healed, I longed for some peace.
Later that day the song Just Be Held by Casting Crowns started playing. The first verse and then the chorus was like God hitting me over the head with a two by four.
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
All this time I’ve been trying to hold it together, trying to be strong and found myself in the hospital for the second time barely holding on. Over the past weeks I had said so many times that I was tired of fighting. Here was this song, telling me to surrender, to let it go, to just allow God to hold me. As the song went on it was like God was speaking directly to me. He was telling me to just come to Him, to find my rest in Him, to allow Him to hold me. He was giving me permission to not have to hold it all together anymore and just be held.
After the song ended I realized that it was fine to be tired of fighting, it was OK to feel empty, that I could stop holding on and just allow God to hold me.
At the end of this day I was filled with different questions: Would this hope I felt stick around? Would I be able to surrender to God, to let go and just be held? Was this just a temporary moment or would it last? I was scared to know the answer so I went to bed that night and just asked God to hold me, waiting to see what the next day would bring.
Sheina Renée Writes 